The 3 most common sex dreams and what they REALLY mean

The following is an excerpt from my latest book Dream On It, Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life. 

According to a recent study at the University of Montreal, sex dreams make up about 8 percent of all dreams for both men and women.  Society’s openness regarding sex, coupled with our growing interest in understanding dream content has taught us that, surprisingly, sex dreams are rarely about sex at all – no matter how saucy they might be.

It’s important to remember that sex, to your dreaming mind, is not about a physical union you want, but rather a psychological union you need!

The Mystery Lover is the most common of all sex dreams. Many of us wonder if this dream is actually a glimpse of our soul mate who might be out there somewhere waiting for us.  Alas, t’is not so.  But what is so is that the unknown, faceless man or woman that often appears in our dreams does indeed hold significance.  As you may remember in Chapter 2, our dreams have a cool way of showing us the different parts of our personality in the form of a person so we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and what makes us tick. That being said, the mystery lover in your dreams is the embodiment, the personification of the qualities we tend to associate with that gender. 

If you are a woman, the mystery man represents your male personality traits, the part of you that can be assertive, speak your mind, bring home the bacon, handle your business and even squish the spider in the tub. 

 I have had this dream several times where I am having very graphic sex with an unknown man.  He is everything I have ever wanted and very kind.  I reach the Big O in these dreams and I always wake up very satisfied, but I never see his face.   Tammy 40

Lauri:  You are attracted to this man in your dream because your dreaming mind wants you to be attracted to your own male, assertive, money-making, take-charge qualities so that you will use them to improve your life.  Your dream is showing you that this part of you is very much a part of who you are and a part of you that you like.  It’s a VERY GOOD sign that you are having these dreams as it means you have successfully merged your male self into your life and have achieved darn near perfect balance of male assertive energy and female nurturing energy.  The Big O is like extra credit for a job well done in waking life. Your body doesn’t know the difference between a dreaming event and a waking event, so it re-acts the same. During the sex dream your brain sends messages to the nerve endings in your little lady down there that sex is happening so she responds in the same explosive way as if it were real! 

Tammy replies:  I am a single mother and I do everything!  I bring home the money, fix the plumbing, paint, mix cement, etc.  I have been divorced for 13 years now and I do feel I have finally found myself.  I am proud of myself and am very excited that I can do what some men don’t even know how to do when fixing a house.  It saves me a lot of money.

Tammy’s dream is a great example of a woman who has embraced and merged with her male side. Notice how satisfied she is from these dreams. That satisfaction is not just physical; it is emotional and psychological satisfaction as well. 

Whenever a woman needs to assert herself or take charge in some form or fashion such as when she is up for a promotion, when she is a single parent and has to play the role of both, or when she needs to speak up for herself during the day, these are the times when the mystery lover will pay her a visit at night. 
If you are a man, the mystery woman represents your female qualities… yes, even the hairiest and burliest of men have at least a touch of feminine wiles within. Female qualities are the traits we usually associate with women, such as sensitivity, creativity, being a good listener, nurturing yourself and those around you.  From time to time in a man’s life, it will do him well to acknowledge and utilize these softer qualities.

Throughout life we struggle to incorporate the right balance of each into our personalities and behavior.  A man wants to be caring and understanding, yet he doesn’t want to be a sissy.  A woman wants to assert herself, yet she doesn’t want to be labeled the B word!  Our mystery lover dreams are guiding us towards that perfect balance of firm and gentle, bold and caring, yin and yang.

Cheating dreams can be infuriating, worrisome and the cause of many a slap across the face first thing in the morning.  In fact, in a recent survey I conducted through my website with over 5000 participants, the cheating dream came in as the #1 most common dream! As upsetting as these dreams can be, the good news is that they rarely indicate that your mate is getting his or her pleasures elsewhere.  They do suggest, however that something rather than someone is taking the time and attention from your mate that you feel you deserve.

I keep getting these dreams about my boyfriend of 5 years cheating on me.  It’s like he doesn’t even care and has no emotion in the dream.  I’m 99% sure he would never do that. I just don’t understand why I keep having these dreams and why they are so constant.  Is it about a trust problem?   Brenda 24

Lauri:  Did anything happen that would give you a good reason to be distrustful? If not then let’s figure out the other reason you are getting these dreams.  Is he doing something that you are a bit jealous of?  Is he working too much? Spending too much time with friends or on some project or hobby? What is he doing that makes you feel like he should be with you instead?
Brenda:  He always spends time on the computer.  When he comes home from work he goes straight on the computer and does his fantasy baseball thing.  When I start to tell him about my day he won’t even listen and it makes me feel like he doesn’t care.

Brenda’s dream is a clear indication that her boyfriend’s fantasy baseball league has taken on the qualities of a mistress in her mind. And the fact that the dream is so constant means it is a constant issue in their relationship.  He should be tickling her, not the keyboard!  Plus, the apathy he displays in the dream is directly connected to the apathy he shows her in real life.  These dreams will keep happening until Brenda is able to work this out with her boyfriend.

Sometimes, we may be the ones having extracurricular sex with someone other than our mate. These are the dreams where you are very much aware that you are cheating and the feelings of guilt are often included. When you are the one straying in your dreams you need to ask yourself what you may be doing that is taking your attention away from your mate.  The guilt you feel in the dream is a tell tale sign that, deep down, you are aware that this may not be sitting well with your significant other.

Cheating dreams can be very upsetting and they rarely mean an actual affair is going on.  In fact, when understood, they can actually fan the flames in your relationship.  Once you can pinpoint what it is your mate is “cheating on you” with, or what you may be guilty of giving too much time to, it’s time to compromise.  Offer to give up or cut back on something your mate isn’t a big fan of if he or she promises to cut back on the activity that is causing you to feel left out. If you both stick to the compromise, you’ll find that the dreams will stop.

The Ex is a very popular character in our naughty dreams. Even though it may be light years since you were with this person, he or she STILL continues to appear in your dreams, bringing those old feelings back to the surface that leave you wondering if you still may be holding a flame. 

I keep having recurring dreams about getting back together with my ex boyfriend.  Sometimes we’re just hanging out and other times it’s downright filthy sex! However, I am married and haven’t spoken to him in over 10 years.  – Jennifer 37 

Lauri:  Was he your first love?  Strangely enough, we continue to dream of our first loves, even if we’ve moved on into a happy marriage.  Don’t worry, it’s not that you want him back, it’s that you want what he represents back: excitement, bubbles, passion!  You are likely to get these dreams when your marriage gets a little too routine and humdrum, as all marriages do from time to time.  Your dream is using your ex to remind you of the passion that is still alive inside of you.  These dreams are actually good for you and are alerting you to the fact that the passion department doesn’t want to become a thing of the past. Might be a good idea to get thyself down to Victoria’s Secret® and buy something red and lacy.

Jennifer replies:  It makes so much sense now.  He was my first love.  While I was with him, there was lots of excitement and passion.  We would do things so spontaneously.  And  I wasn’t as self-conscious as I am now.   I can see now that I don’t get involved in new things like I did before.  You’re right; I do need to spice things up, in my life and in my marriage.  You’ve made me see things in a different light. 

Jennifer’s marriage, like millions of marriages before hers and millions of marriages yet to be, has become complacent. Complacency is easy because it takes no effort.  Like Jennifer, as we settle into the land of Hum Drum while awake, our dreams become restless while we sleep.  The dreaming mind doesn’t forget the excitement and thrill from long ago, so it will bring those feelings back to you in the form of the person you first experienced those feelings with.  These dreams aren’t about the person, they are about the feelings.

The most common meaning behind the “sex with the ex” dream is a need to rekindle the excitement in your intimate life. Once you take action on your dream’s gentle nudging, and continue to change it up and keep it interesting, the ex won’t need to pay you another visit… that is unless the ex still has a role in your life, such as an ex spouse.  If you deal with the ex spouse on a regular basis then that person is not likely to be a symbol, rather your inner mind is alerting you to an issue with that specific person and, as always, you will need to look at what happened the day before the dream in order to pinpoint the issue.

The exes we tend to have naughty dreams about  the most are our first love, an ex we still have ties to because of children or other circumstances, or the ex that most recently broke our heart. Dreaming of the ex that broke your heart can be a sign that you are stuck emotionally and have not allowed yourself to move on. These dreams are a clear indication that you have not healed in which case the dreams will continue until you let go and leave the past in the past.  It is impossible to move forward while you are still holding on to what is behind you.

Spicy or awkward, your sex dreams play an important role in your life’s journey.   In a nut shell, they show you what you lack.  In waking life sex begins with desire, proceeds to a merger and ends in completion and satisfaction.  The dreaming mind uses this same process to help you bring what you lack into your life. If you desire to be able to speak your mind, your dream will use someone you know that has that ability, will create a desire for them in your dream, merge your bodies together to symbolize bringing that quality into yourself and in most cases, complete the merger and give you satisfaction i.e. orgasm, which is not only representative of the satisfaction of having that quality be a new part of you but is also icing on the cake!

In the sex dream chapter of Dream On It, you will also learn what  it means to have sex with The Co-worker, The Boss, The Friend, The Same Gender, Oral Sex, Family Members, Masturbation and more!

Want to read Dream on It right now? It’s available on Nook and Kindle!

“I love this book. It solves all the mysteries in my dreams!” – Amy Hudson, Granbury, TX

“I just read the entire book “Dream on it“, as I have always been a vivid dreamer, and your book has been fun to read and very enlightening. I can now interpret dreams that I still remember from years ago.  I LOVE your book!!”   – Julia, Sandpoint, ID

Find out what your dream means RIGHT NOW and for FREE!!



12 thoughts on “The 3 most common sex dreams and what they REALLY mean

  1. April says:

    Thanks so much for this! I have been having dreams about my first love on and off for the past several months and I am happily married with 2 beautiful toddlers. It was driving my nuts trying to figure out why I was dreaming of my first love… *sigh* What a relief!

  2. Though this is about passionate sex, what about rape, bondage, underage (or overage from some), sadism, masochism, molestation…things of that nature? I ask because I had some…tasteful dreams about someone who was much, much, MUCH younger than me being my lover! I'm not a pedophile (I had also hoped to babysit her in hopes of overcoming my fear of children) then soon these sensual dreams came up. I do have an idea of what they could mean and it's NOT what so many people think they mean! I think I have this code down now! I also have a LOT of rape/molestation/bondage/sadism/masochism nightmares too, though mostly by grown men or children, rarely ever other women.

  3. what does it mean when you dream of fish or of someone dieing in a dream please tell me in what if your leat mother comes to you and a dream

  4. Leah Scheetz says:

    Hi i had a dream when i was 14 and still a virgin,i have been trying to understand this dream,i me and this guy were in love and we made love but it felt as if we were hiding our love,and this guy skin color was black what does tbis mean

  5. Aaliyah White says:

    Okay… So this didn’t really help me, but it somewhat did… I have been having a dream of having sex with someone else, but wasn’t consider cheating on my boyfriend. In my dream.l, I had oral sex with this man that was 2 times older than me, and I see this guy everyday. I do have a boyfriend, and I hardly see him, and rarely see him.

  6. I had a dream of my ex husband, he told me that he divorced me because of sex not because he didn't love me.. what does this mean?

    1. Sama Kutra says:

      How many times a week, or year if it was even that often, were you getting it on? Do you think you’re a “thorough” lover? Maybe he, like so many others, just get bored after the 10,000th time with the same person and wanted to experience another response from another physical being. It need not even mean he didn’t love you but the sands in the hourglass keep falling and some don’t like the thought that the sands will run out and experience hadn’t been pursued. One big thing to remember is that if you no longer act like the experienced 25 year old and don’t do the same things to your partner that they used to go crazy over, it’s basically over. People want to feel that craziness…that feeling like you want to wrap your partner around you and just make each other tingle from head to toe and everything in between like it was before “love” kicked in…when it was all chemical responses and you got each other off for hours at a time. If a couple spend 15 minutes and barely work up a sweat in bed, you’re both basically just being polite to each other in order to get your own quick fixes just to get you thru the week. The truth is you’re both probably masturbating a few times a week anyway just to satisfy that immediate need which is brought upon by these dreams that everybody has.
      Humans crave the intimacy and security of finding their mate and getting married but the power of the need to feel an enthusiastic stranger will eventually creep in when/if that craziness gets snuffed out. Love can last forever but lust is far more powerful.

  7. I got out of a thing with someone a while ago and it was a bad ending to something good, we both just wanted different things. One couldn't take the next step into a relationship but was seeing each other steady for 3 months, anyways I had a dream he was having sex with my sister. It made me very shook up and woke up miserable. It was so vivid, in the dream he smiled at me like it was out of spite.

  8. Alice says:

    I always have this dream where I dream of my husband cheating on me and in my dreams I confronted him and admit that he had cheated on me and slept with this woman but he never loved her, what does this mean?

    1. Sama Kutra says:

      Your own fears are not yours alone. Everyone worries that their mate will betray them in this fashion. Maybe your subconscious mind is painting pictures because you have had mischievous thoughts, even if you hadnt acted on them, and you realize that everyone must feel like this from time to time.
      Most times when folks get some strange its because they want a new physical response…a new technique in one act or another…maybe even just the way that other person sounds when making their “O” sounds.
      One way or another, your mind is probably just playing its tricks on you. You must love him since its causing you this much grief. If there aren’t any of the common signs like hiding cell phones, a lot of private time on phone or in chat rooms, or being out later than normal, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

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  10. Mary says:

    I dreamed I was almost engaging in sex with a my younger sister.Am a married woman

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